For some odd reason, I woke up this morning remembering the last time I peed on the bed. Fam, it was 4 years ago when I was in 300 level in the University!
Before I continue, pro tip:
If you are ever dreaming in your sleep that you want to pee, no matter how hooked you are, my brother, my sister, DON’T DO IT! It’s a trap!
So on this day, I was dreaming. I usually don’t remember my dreams unless they are extremely scary, but I remember parts of this one.
I was out with friends at an event. All of a sudden it was night and I was in a swimming pool. A swimming pool that looked exactly like this:
I remember being fascinated by it in the dream and asking why the pool was like that. They had explained that it was not the water because the water was actually crystal clear; it was the design at the bottom and walls of the pool.
Anyways, I was in this pool and I started to feel like I wanted to pee. In real life, I pee when I come in contact with water. So my dears, if you and I were to ever be caught up in the rain for anything over 20 minutes, yes my darling, I don piss for body!
And in real life, I can’t swim. Even if I could, I detest public swimming pools because as far as I am concerned, they’re dirty! People spit in it. They pee in it, too. So if you ever feel like inviting me for a swim, resist the devil so that that thought would flee from you!
But I digress…
So I was in this swimming pool swimming (me that cannot swim. The things we can do in dreams!) and I started to feel like peeing. So I rushed out and started looking for the toilet. I was directed to this very tiny, square outdoor toilet like the ones found on beaches (I may swim in the ocean one day, though. I think it’s cleaner than swimming pools. Nature most certainly has a way to self-cleanse… unless I’m wrong).
So I rushed in and started to relieve myself o. And as I was doing my thing in my dream, I was doing it in real life as well!
My village people really meant it with me! You know why?
This was a room with 9 people. A room that was supposed to have just 4 female students had 9 people because every 1 person had a squatter and one of us had 2. So we were 9. To make matters worse, I shared that bed with someone. And you know how urine is. It’s like the popular gossip in the neighbourhood whose favourite pastime is to expose everyone’s secret. So I had to do something about it.
The logical thing to do was to take the bed outside to dry. But how on earth was I going to start dragging my bed all the way to the ground floor without a million people knowing what I’d done?
The most annoying thing is, I woke up when I was still peeing, but the thing with urinating is that you can’t stop it when it’s already coming out. Who born you! It’s like trying to get a fish to stand still in the water. Impossible things!
So that was how I sat there and witnessed myself being foolish, peeing on the bed like a 2-year-old and wondering what made me to enter a swimming pool that looked like a well-polished floor in the very first place.
Here’s what I did.
It was still early and everyone was still asleep, so I stood up and changed my clothes. Luckily, I’d peed on only one side of the bed, so I climbed into the other side. I made sure to wake up when everyone else was already up. This was important. I was not one of those people that wake up early before others and I wanted it to remain like that. Nothing had to seem out of the ordinary.
When it was time, when everybody was awake I mean, stood up and took a pack of pure water. Then I opened it, drank a… no scratch that, sipped a little (I needed the whole of that thing) and then kept the rest of it on my bed in a way that I knew it would fall over and pour on the bed, and then went about doing other stuff and gisting with my roommates.
I came back later and made such a scene, showing them the bed soaked with water and complaining bitterly. They advised me to take it out to air and I did just that, with a big smile on my face!
As I took it back in that evening, I half expected it to still be smelling urine but it didn’t at all. I guess mixing it with water had settled that problem.
It’s been four years and every time I think about this, I laugh like a mad woman. I would say that went well because nobody caught me. But this experience is not my worst one. Because it doesn’t come close to the day I shit on myself!
I am a Nigerian graduate documenting the perks and pains of being a graduate without long leg in Nigeria; while also contributing her quota to make the world a better place. Lets be friends on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You'll find me there as Naijafreshgraduate.